Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Dominance vs. Control

I’ve had these thoughts going round and round in my mind for the past week. Is dominance and control one and the same? I mean if Katie makes most all of the decisions that is control. She dictates many things in my/our life – when we rise, when we go to bed and whether or not I am to be locked for the day. She tells me when we are to eat and expects me to make our meal. She gives me an allowance, tells me when we are going out to eat or if we will be meeting others. She continually makes a list of chores that I need to keep track of and complete. She makes me responsible for her calendar and alerting her when appointments arise. She controls the bedroom and pretty much does what she wants when she wants and is not hesitant to tell me what to do. OK, so she has control and I do what I am told. It’s life. It’s the way it is. It is what she expects It’s what I expect. It’s what we both want. It’s what I need – what I crave.
But does the fact that she has control make her dominant? I don’t think so.  To be dominant means one is more powerful than the other and maybe by the implicitness of the control she has she is dominant. OK, in one respect maybe she is. Maybe they are one and the same. However, I believe to be dominant means there is another layer on top of the “I can do whatever I want and you will do whatever I tell you” way we live.  I believe to be truly dominant necessitates Katie verbally reminding me that she owns me, that I am hers, that I am her sub. Furthermore I believe she should insist I refer to her with respect address her as Mistress. In other words I believe if Katie really embraces dominance that she is comfortable in being overt with her use of words reminding me she is; that she makes a conscious effort to remind me that I am her sub – that she uses that word – sub – that she tells me she owns me. It requires words – verbal statements, comments on both partners part but mostly by the Mistress. 
I realize now this is exactly what got me all depressed when I said I wasn’t feeling it, in a previous post. I need to feel Katie’s dominance. Just doing chores doesn’t cut it for me when there is no verbal reinforcement as to why I am doing them. It’s not that she needs to remind me ten times a day but having something said once or twice would speak volumes. Just one or two sentences - is that so hard given the benefit it provides to both she and I?
We talked some last week, not lots, probably not enough, but some - after I told her I wasn’t feeling it. If there was one thing that stuck with me during our discussion was the comment, “I like you calling me Mistress.” She stated that when I purposely called her ‘wife’ on the phone a few times instead of my usual Mistress.  I did it intentionally because I felt like she wasn’t acting like a mistress. I felt like she was simply being my wife. I did so because I felt ignored as her submissive – appreciated as her husband but ignored as her submissive. Does that make sense? I was going through all the motions of doing the chores and obeying but she hadn’t reminded me in days – weeks that she owned me. She hadn’t reminded me I WAS HER submissive. I was simply doing my jobs and not getting any dominant response from my Mistress. She was acting like my wife and simply glad to see things were getting done. Life sucked and I let her know I was feeling down because life sucked.
I didn’t feel submissive. I can’t make myself feel or be submissive. Only Katie’s can do that. That’s her responsibility and I need her to take that seriously. She needs to tell me, remind me, show me.  As Mistress Grey stated: 95% of the responsibility to do that is on the Mistress. It’s Katie’s job to make the D/s relationship work, not mine. My job is to obey and do the grunt work of life, to be there when she needs me, to wait on her as she wants, to love and honor and show deference at all times. That’s my expectation but it’s on her to bring out the D/s in the relationship.
My wish is that she would be more verbal. She controls well. It’s a gentle control, one that often asks for my input but in the end we do what she wants or agrees to. She has become so comfortable in that respect and I love it – and love her for becoming that kind of woman. But something inside wants more. Kathy’s husband (femdom 101) commented recently that he is happiest when his wife actively controls him. Bingo. He hit the nail on the head. It’s being actively controlled. His wife intentionally controls him; intentionally reminds him; intentionally treats him as her submissive; uses words that conveys her dominance and his submission to her. Oh I wish for that. 
OK, enough rambling for now. So, what say you? Is control synonymous with dominance or is there a difference? Am I being petty at wanting more? Should I just shut up and be thankful for all she has done at taking control of me as much as she has and leave it at that?
I’m Hers

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Faith, the Feminine and following God

Brad made a comment and brought up the topic of submission, service to my wife and how that meshes with ones' faith. I really appreciated the comment. I don't agree with all of it and what parts I agree and disagree are secondary - at least for now.  I thought the comment and the response by teddy worthy enough for all to see and to think about.  I know that not all who read here has a belief in God but for those that do, where do you stand on this matter? Where does your allegiance lie? Can one submit to a woman and still follow God? Does service to a woman equate with service to God - as teddy noted? ("For as much as you do this to the least of these, you do it to me." That's what Jesus said.).  I'll let you read the two comments and respond as you see fit.  Thanks to both of you for sharing from your heart.  Personally I needed to hear all the two of you had o say so thanks to both of you.
Comment from Brad:
  1. "This is the rub. No matter what you do, how much you get, when you go away as much as you try and convince yourself that you were made to be submissive and it belongs to Katie, it will always feel like acting. You both are playing a part, exaggerating your roles, constantly negotiating so that you can get your needs met in the relationship.

    I am impressed by your long suffering and patience and restraint to control or pressure for more. It what sets you apart. It's what helps you go the distance where others, like myself, fall by the wayside. It is very similar to the parable Jesus told of the seeds and the soil. You got path relationships, stony relationships, weedy relationships, and good soil relationships. So I have two thoughts:

    First, you may be more good soil for for FLR than most. And you may be more good soil that rocks and weeds but as your posts have shown, there may be some rocks that are being revealed or weeds that need pulling. I don't put a lot of stock in the power of gritted teeth will but I do believe in being intentional about your life.

    Second, I look at submission as a God given thing. But more so that it relates to surrendering our lives to Christ more so than belonging to woman as great as she may be. Ultimately we were created to give that submissive place in our life to God, let Him meet that need and cause us to be the great servants he made us to be as men with or outside of a FLR relationship. Just my thoughts.

    As you are much older, perhaps there is nothing new to what I am saying and you have it pretty much figured out. If that be the case, carry on."
    This is teddy and I would like to respond to Brad's comment. You know it is simple to say that true submission is given only to God. If this works for you, fine. The problem is that most of us need an earthly Goddess. That may mean different things for different guys. For me it means having a Mistress who takes control of my life. In a sense Mistress has become the material embodiment of the Christ. By serving Mistress I serve God. Mistress has become the spiritual authority that guides my life. This may seem very wrong to many of you. Never the less Kathy's control has molded me into a better person. There is no doubt that Kathy's spiritual leadership has caused me to become a better father
  2. Comment from teddy:
  3. This is teddy and I would like to respond to Brad's comment. You know it is simple to say that true submission is given only to God. If this works for you, fine. The problem is that most of us need an earthly Goddess. That may mean different things for different guys. For me it means having a Mistress who takes control of my life. In a sense Mistress has become the material embodiment of the Christ. By serving Mistress I serve God. Mistress has become the spiritual authority that guides my life. This may seem very wrong to many of you. Never the less Kathy's control has molded me into a better person. There is no doubt that Kathy's spiritual leadership has caused me to become a better father.

    Through Kathy's group I have formed an acquaintance with several men who are owned. On occasion the ladies have allowed us to interact. There is one thing we have in common. We are the happiest when the women demonstrate active control over our lives. Perhaps there is one other point we have common. That magical, wonderful moment when Mistress allows her boy to kiss her feet is absolute bliss. Some may call it sub space. Being at Kathy's feet transports me from the physical world to the spiritual. Kathy is very much aware of the power this act of devotion has for me. She will usually allow the privilege of foot worship as a reward for good behavior. If for some reason my behavior is not acceptable, the privilege is denied. I am a very spiritual person. As a very young man I even though about joining a religious order. Every evening I got down on my knees to pray. There was some satisfaction in this but it was limited. There always seemed a connection was missing like no one was listening. As an adult male I have found the connection. It is in the spiritual authority that is represented by the divine feminine. I believe in this. It is why women have so much power over us. It is why as mere men we are not complete without the saving grace of the female.

    Hope I didn't go too far with this comment. It took many years for me to understand my self as a submissive. It would do us all good to talk more with friends. As you get older it is a little easier to talk about things that you couldn't discuss as a younger person. The power of the female is the power of God. The love of the female is the love of God. If we live under the tent of the female, we live under the tent of God. This is the spiritual truth that I believe in. It is why many of us feel so content at the feet of the woman. It is the 'why' we crave their authority and control in every day life.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Just not feeling it

In a recent post I made mention of a few instances where I did not obeyed Katie. Although my acts of disobedience (for example, standing when using the toilet) were intentional it wasn't like I was trying to usurp her power as my mistress. I disobeyed because I wasn't feeling very submissive.
However, I am a submissive man. I am a man who is owned. I will forever belong to Katie. I will never have the freedoms that she enjoys. I understand all that and it is something we both desire to never change.

I spent time, a lot of time, on the road this past week, logging over 1500 miles. I've had a lot of time to think. I've been away from Katie quite a bit and I can't remember the last time that I've been locked in my cage - locked in chastity. It's probably been two or three weeks now. It's not that being locked is of significance in itself but being unlocked for this length of time sure has changed my attitude and way of thinking about submission.  Last night I was getting ready for bed and a little light of understanding came on. I realize now why I am feeling the things I am. I feel normal. I feel like a normal man. I don't feel submissive. I feel free. I feel independent. I don't like feeling this way. Something feels out of sorts. 

At one level I know I am Katie's and belong to her. I understand that but to be honest I surely don't feel her control. I feel like a puppy dog who has broken free of the leash that keeps it chained and limits how far it can venture from its house.  It's an odd feeling. I don't like this feeling. Something feels wrong. Something is wrong.

I know when I get home tonight that I will have things to do. The same chores that I had before I left will be waiting for me. The same woman that I served before will expect to be served as soon as I walk in the door. But doing chores doesn't make me submissive. Submissiveness is much more of a mental thing than it is a doing thing. Katie is the only one that can make me feel submissive and right now I don't feel submissive.

Yet at another level I feel like what I will be doing when I return will be just that-chores. Work. I feel like I will be going through the motions doing the same things that I've always been doing. What I don't feel now and what I conveyed to Katie today on the phone is that I don't feel owned. I don't feel her control and I miss that. I really really miss that. Reestablishing that emotional connection, that submissive/dominant bond , is so important. For me it takes more than just me getting up tomorrow morning and cooking her breakfast or making the bed or tidying the bedroom.

I have missed for some time feeling and knowing and being told that I am her sub; that I am not her equal; that I am owned; that my life is more than doing stuff for her and really about doing stuff for her from the understanding that I have no choice-that I really am the lesser of the two of us. It's been a long time since Katie has told me that I am her submissive and that I have no choice but to obey and do as I am told.

I still don't know if Katie really gets that. Too often I feel she is satisfied by knowing I love her and am here to take care of her. That is true. I do love her and I do take care of her. She does make decisions; she does lead. What she rarely does is remind me that I am her submissive. She doesn't talk down to me and I wish she would even if it was in half truths/half play.

Last week I was lying in bed and aching to feel her control sexually. Katie had just gotten up. I asked her to climb back on the bed. When she did I asked her to sit astride my torso. I then pulled her up so she sat on my chest, her body just inches from my face. I explained that when I picture feeling dominated this is what I picture- me on the bottom and her hovering over me about to enjoy my services as one who is about to be pleased. She listened but immediately climbed off and headed into the other room. It wasn't what I hope for. I wish she could have stayed  and enjoyed being there but for some reason she didn't.

For her to do take five or 10 minutes to enjoy me and then tell me that I’m pleasing her because she owns me is more than welcomed. Even if she straddled my face not to be pleasured sexually but just to tempt me would be wonderful. I ache to see that side of Katie. I ache to feel her power. And right now, I don't.

I'm Hers

Saturday, March 28, 2015

I'm Watching You

Some time ago I wrote a post asking how other dommes and subs use their smart phones as a part of their D/s relationship.  I got a few responses that were helpful.  Since that time Katie and I have made use of our phones in various ways.  Mostly we use, or more specifically, I use the calendar function. My phone serves as her appointment book.  I keep track of her hair appointments, work schedule, workout times, medical appointments, our travel plans, etc.  In addition my notebook app is often used to keep track of the grocery shopping I need to do. Anything in which there is a date to remember, or items to purchase at some later time is recorded on the calendar or notepad apps.  When I add an item I'll ask if she wants to be reminded and if so, how much alert time she wants.  My phone is filled with such Katie appointments.

One responder to that initial post referred me to a free app called Chorma.  I use it often - not lots but enough. Katie will assign certain chores on that app that will alert me on the day that they are to be done. She's only added a few - laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, organizing her meds/vitamins for the week. She could add more but what she has put on there really helps. I am a routine guy so the more I can stick to a routine the more efficient I can be. I wish she'd add more, not to overwhelm me but to keep me on a schedule that helps me assist her by keeping the house in order.  The chores she has assigned are weekly ones but adding monthly or bi-annual ones like cleaning the fridge or scrubbing the floor would be beneficial for both of us. 

I discovered her use of another app more recently. The other day I was driving home - I believe it was a few days before Valentine’s Day.  I wanted to sneak into a store to pick up something and Katie just happened to ask me to get something at that same store.  I stayed there for quite a while - maybe 30 minutes - much longer than it would have taken to pick up the single item she wanted me to get.  When I got home she asked, "What took you so long in that store?"

I smiled and gave her some dismissive comment but she then added, "I was watching you on my phone. You got there at 9:05 and didn't leave until 9:38."

My eyes widened. She was watching me.  As it turned out, my son told her about a feature that allows you to track your friends. Katie paired my phone with hers and now she can track me. The feature is quite nice and will locate the other phone within a few yards/meters.  Since that time Katie has reminded me that she had been watching where I was on my drive home from work.  I like that. I like that feature lots.  I like knowing that she can see me even when we are apart. I like knowing that I can't go off and deviate from what she wants.  Now  it's not like I want to stray and go somewhere that I shouldn't and it's not that she's ever used this or any of the other apps maliciously but knowing that the technology is available to her does have an effect of keeping thoughts of independence from gaining a foothold in my subconscious

Of course there is 'facetime' and she has used that on occasion.  The phone will ring and I'll see that I'm getting a facetime call from her.  What a monitoring service that offers the dominant!  She can simply call me, and if she wants can have me pan my phone so she can see exactly where I am or who is with me.  Pretty scary stuff but for one in a healthy D/s marital relationship the knowledge of her ability to do these kinds of - checking up on you - calls helps ensure we remain in a healthy D/s loving relationship.

I use a 'Days Lite' app that I use to keep track of my days in denial. Sometimes I will send Katie a picture of the days since my last orgasm, just to enlighten her but mostly that app is for me.  It serves as a reminder of the number of days since the last time and as those days mount, reminds me that I am not an independent man but rather one who is owned.  Ahh, I like knowing I am owned.  I like it lots!

Again, if there are other apps or ways your Dominant uses I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I'm Hers

Post Script: since writing this post a few weeks ago Katie texted me while I was at work, "where are you?" I saw her text some ten minutes later and responded, "at work". She responded, "no exactly where are you?" Later that afternoon she told me that her phone told me I was on the other side of the highway. I wasn't. Really I wasn't. I mention that for two reasons. First because she was checking on me in the middle of the day - something she now does often. Second, because the locator function on the phone isn't as accurate as it says it is - at least not all the time.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Supporting One Another

A few months ago I came across the blog "real women don't do housework". It is written by a female. There are very few good blogs written by women that pertain to living under the loving care of a woman. Far too few such blocks exist and I noticed in reading some of her posts that almost no one comments. I would encourage other readers of this blog to visit this one and contribute to the discussion as you see fit. I've provided the link to it below. I think it's important that women who take the time and effort to write on the behalf of this cause receive the needed support from others. Women need to read the viewpoints of other women and men need to understand the mind of dominant women in a healthy way. I believe the author here is one such woman and I hope we can all bond together to encourage her.

I'm Hers

Sunday, March 22, 2015

"But Mom, I get an allowance too"

A few weeks ago we had a bit of an unplanned family reunion of sorts. My daughter and I stopped in to visit my parents and other children decided to come over as well. We were sitting around the dining room table talking when  the subject of finances came up. Mom knows how to stretch a dollar. She is great at handling expenses and although we as a family lived simply on dad's income we never lacked in anything. One of my children mentioned that he and his wife have separate checking accounts. That comment shocks my mother. "Why would you do that? You're married! I don't understand why you would want to do!"

After getting over that unsettling information she told us about a time when her sister was younger and her husband gave her a weekly allowance. She couldn't believe that her sister had to live this way. Mom mentioned ways her sister got around the allowance limitations by borrowing money from others when she needed or wanted to purchased items that exceeded her imposed budget limits.

Later that afternoon mom, my daughter and I were talking again. I told her how different my marriage with Katie is when compared to my previous one. Her curiosity was piqued and she asked me to explain. I talked about how I attempted to keep our home together by controlling everything and everyone and I could see my daughter nodding in agreement. I mentioned how I gave up control when I married Katie and now let her be in charge of us.

I talked. Mom listened. Then I mentioned, "Katie gives me an allowance."
Mom responded, Telling me Katie was simply running the finances and budgeting money to me just as she would budget funds to other areas of our life. I agreed but made the comment that I check in with Katie before making purchases that will exceed my allowance.

I wanted her to draw the parallel between my situation and her sisters. However, I don't think mom equated my having an allowance in the same way as her sister having an allowance years ago. I don't think she heard me with the same part of her brain that has already pegged her sister's husband as being controlling. She views Katie's running of our finances as nothing more than her responsibly managing our home.

But she does know now that my earnings are deposited directly into katie's checking account, that Katie takes care of our finances, that I have an allowance, and I ask permission before spending anything that would exceed my limited funds. This of course was old news for my daughter who sat listening. Mail my mother has new information to chew on at some later point in time.

Like Katie my mother runs the budget in my parents home. My dad admits that if she were to die first he would be bankrupt within a month since he has no idea how she controls their budget or where the money goes on a weekly/monthly basis. My mother adamantly agrees!

I have found the last month interesting with respect to the conversations I've had with my children and my parents. We've touched on topics in which I can't help but convey the femdom perspective of our relationship. There is nothing wrong with how Katie and I live. Because I see us living so beautifully as a team I have no trouble sharing my lifestyle with those closest to me. They can agree or disagree and with our lifestyle but regardless of what they do with the information they cannot deny that Katie and I are in love and enjoy one another immensely. My parents see how happy we both are. My children see the same thing. My children can also see the difference in their dad and how happy he is now. They are intelligent young adults. Although they may not be ready to change things in their own home they definitely have something to think about with respect to how their dad lives with his new wife.

I'm Hers

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Conversation Continued

In the previous post I mentioned a few instances where I had spoken with my daughter regarding the need for her to let a boyfriend show her respect and value through his actions. Since that time that relationship has ended. My daughter told me that within a few days after she decided to commit to him more seriously he got cold feet and stopped communicating. From my perspective what happened seemed quite odd and very calloused on his part.
This week she has spent her spring break with me. We've had a wonderful time together and have spent hours talking. Yesterday I had to drive for several hours to a job and she came along. The subject of her relationship came up and I made the comment that in my opinion men are mountain climbers. I explained how I believe men have a desire to reach a goal - that being the top of a mountain. I told her that her boyfriend reached a bit of a mountain peak when he got her to commit to him more seriously. When she did the challenge of him having to woo her no longer existed and apparently he didn’t have other mountain tops on the horizon to conquer.

I segued our discussion to note how Katie and I relate. My daughter has been watching us for the past several days while visiting and she knows even more because of past conversations I've we've had. This week however, she has gotten a chance to view how we relate firsthand. She's watched me work in the kitchen. She's observed that Katie doesn’t do dishes, clean the kitchen or do meal prep. She's watched me empty the dishwasher after hearing Katie inform me that it is clean. She's heard me ask Katie permission more than once. On our way home from work I asked if she'd like to go to a nice restaurant to eat. When she said she did I told her I needed to text Katie to get approval/permission.

I mention these instances to highlight how she's had a chance to see what a relationship looks like when the woman is in charge and her daddy is not. While we drove I revealed more about Katie and I; how Katie takes care of our finances and how I ask permission before making purchases or doing things. I told her how she expects me to call just before I arrive at work and send a text when I leave at the end of the day. I told her that I don't spend money normally and when I do I call to get permission before purchasing anything.  I gave her several examples of how life between the two of us plays out.

She remembers me primarily as the dad who is married to her mom. She knows of some of our issues and she knows that I was a bit of a control freak because I did not trust her mom in certain ways. I told her about a conversation that Katie and I had before we married and how Katie insisted it would be best if I didn’t have that same kind of control in our marriage. I went on to tell my daughter how much I have been at peace with myself because of the limits Katie has placed on me. 
I don't get anxious over finances. I don't stress because Katie hasn't done something that I've wanted her to do. I don't worry about getting things done or not having things done my way. I don’t worry anymore. I explained that now I do what I’m told and rest that her expectations are well grounded and wise.

My daughter can see the difference in me. She can see that I am a happier man, a happier dad. I am sure she can see the difference when comparing the old me to the new. Never in our conversation did I mention I was Katie’s submissive or suggest I was the lesser in our relationship. I didn't talk about femdom or make things kinky. Rather I tried to help her understand that living with Katie in charge has made me a happy, content man who loves his new wife with all of his being.
At one point while driving my daughter made the comment "well I guess Katie is the boss". I smiled. I knew she had got it when she spoke those words.

It's nice to have the cat out of the bag, at least somewhat. My daughter knows a little bit more. She understands the why behind some of my actions. I think she sees the value of our power exchange and how it has created a marriage in which her daddy feels loved and secure.

I don't know that I will tell her more in the future. At this point I think it's best to leave it up to her to bring things up to discuss. She knows enough. She knows that her daddy is a happier man. She knows that he doesn't have the control he had before. She knows that Katie is in charge and daddy asks permission and takes care of his new bride. She knows enough to get her thinking about how she might structure the next relationship she enters when the next boy comes along. At least, I hope she does.

I'm Hers