Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Input Desired

The below post came from the Conquer Him website, a blog I quite enjoy. I would be very interested to get perspectives from others regarding this author’s view on dominance and submission within the context of a female led relationship. Do you agree that the submissive should not pressure, in anyway, his wife to live in ways that she is not currently or do things she is currently not doing? I will soon be having a discussion with Katie regarding concerns I have about our current relationship but this post made me reconsider whether or not I should voice those concerns or just let things ride as they are. I want to follow. I want to obey. I don't want to top from the bottom. I really do want her to lead. I don't want to make Katie into something she isn't. But I do see issues and I wonder if expressing them is a form of pressure as this author seems to imply. Would love to hear your thoughts.
 
Here is the link to the blog post as well as the post to which I am referring…



I understand why men have the desire for a strong willed woman. He knows that if she chooses him, she’s not choosing him to appease him; she’s choosing him because he is exactly what she wants.

Many men are chosen by strong and powerful women and they are excited because they know that she will be great at leading their Female Led Relationship. Then these men become impatient because although she is clearly expressing what she wants and doesn’t want, these men want her to do MORE. They want her to be more aggressive. They want her to be more demanding. They want her to actively remind him that she is the one in charge.

While this fantasy of having a super controlling and vocal woman is common, it does not describe the powerful women of Conquer Him. Powerful women never have to explicitly demand things from men. Powerful women do not have to forcefully punish men. Powerful women are given power by others because they trust that she knows what to do with it.

When a man desires a woman who will “act” more dominant they are really saying that they do not want a FLR. If he wanted a real and true FLR, her communication style would be enough for him because even if she whispers her desires and says ‘thank you’ when things are done correctly, she is still leading by making the decisions.

Men who want a woman to be more dominating are actually asking the woman to perform for them.  It is hurtful to the woman because she begins to feel that who she is at her core is not good enough.  She wants to love you and lead you-her way. Why would you question her ability to love you by complaining that she is not doing it right?

Do you really want a Female Led Relationship or do you want a woman who will perform for you?

You can’t pressure a woman to dominate you. If you do, and she does it, she is only acting because she doesn’t want to lose you. If you are okay with having a fake FLR then you can keep this up. If you truly want a FLR then listen to her, accept that she is who she is and show appreciation for her choosing you in the first place. No woman wants to hear that she is not demanding enough. If you are that dissatisfied you can try to find someone else who will perform to your expectations but then again- that is not a FLR.

When you are trying to lead her to have your fantasies fulfilled you are trying to dominate her. A powerful woman won’t appreciate that.
If having an aggressive woman is important to you, you can always talk to her about having a designated play night where you can discuss the things you like and what she likes and play them out on that night only. She may play along if she thinks she will enjoy it. If she refuses to play along it simply means she does not operate that way and her desire to be more calm and sweet should be respected.

When you pressure a woman to be more dominating you are telling her that her love is not enough for you. You are complaining. You are being a pest. You are not appreciating her for who she is.

This kind of behavior, if consistent, is detrimental to any relationship. No woman wants to be told that she’s not good enough. If you really feel that way, then you must leave her alone.

If you really do love and cherish her, then allow her the space to evolve on her own. A powerful woman does not like to be pushed. A powerful woman wants to feel FREE.

Society is already trying to force her to conform to its standards. When she is at home with you give her the freedom to be who she is.

No pressure.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Recommended Blog

Mz Kaylee from http://femdomthinktank.blogspot.com/ commented on a previous post.  I stalked her site and found it quite enjoyable to read. I hope you will too.  Her blog is entitled "Femdom Think Tank" and focuses more on maintaining a femdom relationship rather than initiating one, although I'm sure all she has to say applies to both new and old regardless of her target audience. I love when i discover blogs that are more practical in nature and this one fits into that category. Mz Kaylee seems like a woman who has both dominant as well as common-sense qualities.  If you have the time, check her out and be sure to comment. Comments is what helps sustains blogs. Otherwise the authors have no idea if what they have to say is valued by others.

Best to all.

I'm Hers

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Do I want it because I'm insecure?

This may be a sensitive subject because it goes to the heart of one’s ego. Because it does, I’ll keep the post personal and leave it to you the reader to decide if my thoughts also apply to you.  Prior to meeting Katie I had no idea the world of female led relationships/marriages existed. In my world a man married a woman and they lived together and shared responsibilities equally.  That was how my first marriage was structured and how we both thrived and struggled during those years.

After that marriage failed and while a single man it was by mere chance I discovered a website that is no longer in existence that promoted both male and female slavery/dominance. For whatever reason it opened within my heart a door of desire. I found myself gravitating to the thought that relationships might exist in which a woman assumed control and guys both accepted that control and agreed to abide by her wishes.

I won’t deny that there was a significant element of excitement to all of this but that excitement moved to understanding with the help of a dominant woman I became acquainted with from that website to which I referred. We must have corresponded daily for well over a month and slowly she kept driving home the point until I finally got it that submission wasn’t about me but about the woman.  My desire to find such a person continued and although I met and fell in love with Katie without her initially knowing about this new-found knowledge I eventually approached her and we talked. She liked the idea and agreed to give it a try much to my relief and joy. The rest, as they say, is history.

So that’s my background and throughout the years since I first discovered male submission I’ve always wondered if there is an element of insecurity that ultimately drives a man to want to give up so much just so he can be under the care and direction of his wife. No I’m not saying that only the weak want to submit but I am wondering if insecurity, however suppressed or latent, is part of the drive that entices a man to want to give in to his woman.  I can remember during my first marriage arguing with my wife and at one point almost screaming, “just tell me what you want me to do.” It was as if, even back then, there was a need to obey.

As Katie’s submissive that is exactly what she does. She speaks her mind and has done it so many times I now know what she wants and often can anticipate what it is that she wants done before she ever speaks her mind. However, she still tells me and I love fetching whatever it is or doing whatever she wants.  The question is why? Why did I ask her if I could submit in the first place? Did I want/need a mommy? Why do I find contentment by letting go and following her lead? I mean, I do feel so secure and so loved in my position beneath her. Why is that? Why is it that her strength appeals to me in such a profound way. Not only is it appealing I find it sexy. Maybe it’s because my submission has permitted her to reveal her real self but could there be more to it? Why do I have a significant need to feel her power? (And it is a need. It’s why I’ve written posts about missing discipline. At the heart of those posts were an ache to feel her power and to know I am owned yet dearly loved.) Why do I want to feel overtly owned? Why is it that I get sexually aroused when she addresses my shortcomings or asserts her authority more than usual? I’m sure men in non D/s relationships don’t respond this way. They tend to get their backs up and defend their territory. I do nothing of the sort. Instead, my response is to say ‘yes ma’am’, ‘I’m sorry Mistress’ or something similar. I want to correct my error or do what I can to relieve her stress. Why? Why? Why?

Do I love being her submissive because she makes me feel secure? Was there some unmet need when I was a child that Katie now fulfills? Does it make sense that a man would want to do more, relinquish all power to another, and serve at her pleasure? Does it make sense that a man, who usually thrives when in control would want to give it all to his wife?

As with most all things in life, there is a reason for the way things are. I’m not equating this as being weak. I understand that submission is the more difficult road to take. It’s easier to do less and think about others less. It’s much harder to turn one’s focus outward and give up or be forced to give up because she wants something else.  But given that, there is a reason we submissives want to submit. Yes we who have traveled this path for some time understand the benefits our submission has on our marriage. Yet there was a reason why we wanted this in the first place. Most of us weren’t told to submit by our wives. It was us men that asked for this! How strange is that?

I can say I feel an immense amount of security now that I am under Katie’s watchful eye. There is nothing like it in the world. Every directive, every chore, everything I do for her serves as a reminder that I am loved and cherished and cared for. I feel her love every time I see my pay stub and know it’s now in her account. I feel her love when she gives me a small sum of money as an allowance. I feel love whenever we make love and she climaxes yet doesn’t allow me the same outcome. I feel her love when she tells me to cook her dinner or make her lunch. I feel her love when she tells me I need to do this, rather than that. I feel her love when she tells me to go to bed because our day has come to an end.

I need to feel her ownership. It is a need she meets. There is security in our relational dynamic. Might it be because there is an insecurity component at the heart of it all?

I’m Hers

Saturday, March 26, 2016

A Hard Lesson to Learn - take 2

I don't think I explained things well in my previous post. At least I don't think I did because some comments suggested Katie's responsibility for my struggles when my intent was to make this about me adjusting to her wishes.  Hopefully I can be a little clearer this time.  What I was trying to say in a nutshell was: it can be hard not getting my way sometimes.  I gave the example of her declining to come with me on a work/travel day where I had to travel a lot and work a little.  Here's another example: I'd love to take her to New England, backpack a day into the mountains where bear canisters are required to store food. A bear canister is a plastic container that bears can't open.  My dream is to take her in to places that are so beautiful but require one to sleep in a tent, on the ground, on a sleeping pad and when she has to use the bathroom she’ll have to step off the trail (or hold it). It requires eating over a cook stove and eating a meal that is a “one pot” meal. But in the process she’ll get to commune with nature, see waterfalls, climb a mountain (or two) and see some of the most beautiful scenery God has to offer in that area. 

So, to my mistresses out there..... is it wrong for me to feel a little sad that she doesn’t' want to do that with me? Is it up to me to deal with the fact that she'll probably never ever say yes? See what I mean? Yes I’m not taking her to a holiday inn and driving up some well-traveled road along with 500 others and get of the car and say “wow, that’s pretty,” and then head down to go eat some sumptuous meal in the valley an hour later. My wish it to something 99% of the world doesn’t do. I want her to rough it with me, and in the process create a memory that will last forever. But it doesn’t look like this is going to happen and that saddens me. Am I wrong to grieve?

Tying this to my last post, can we agree that it's up to the submissive to comply with his mistress' wishes? When I ask questions like this, I wish I could force readers into stating either 'yes' or 'no'. If they did, I'd suspect the answer would be a resounding yes.

Can we agree that sometimes being told no, or having your ideas ignored or bypassed can sometimes be hurtful? Like several of you stated, men shouldn't expect to get all they want. It's not good for them. I'd go so far as to say it's not good for any of us to get all we want. To do so increases the probability of not appreciating what we do have and enjoying the things we have.

Yes I agree that for a wife-led-marriage to work it takes management on Katie's part and I'm not saying she doesn't manage. She is selfish with the time I spend away from her and that in itself is management. Just this week I asked if I could leave her for a few days to do something. After hearing me out I was told no. Now if we hadn't had company arriving the evening I’d return from this outing she might have given me the ok but instead she wanted me home. Things need to be done prior to family coming and so my time of fun was not to be.  I call that good management. Her verdict wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to get away but I also understood I’d have to obey whatever decision she arrived at. I also wanted to obey. I love when she leads overtly and this time she did.

From Katie's perspective, our relationship isn't at all about fun and games. Yes there are the times when she will tease me. Last week I was complaining about being locked all the time. Next thing I knew the bathroom door cracked open and I saw her hand pop through the small opening. She was holding her phone as the song "Mr. Lonely" by Bobby Vinton blared from the small speaker. I understood her point – which was for me to deal with being locked. We both giggled but the cage remained on.

To Katie, my submission is what it is. It’s a matter-of-fact realization of who I am to her. It’s not something she treats lightly or plays with. Her son and daughter stopped by the other morning. He commented how hungry he was and Katie offered almost immediately, "He (meaning me) is about to make breakfast. Do you want to stay and join us?" There was nothing kinky about her offer but the offer was clear regarding what I would do without question. I was not consulted and didn’t expect to be. I’m the cook; she isn’t. The family knows this to be true and Katie wasn't the least hesitant in offering my services. As it turned out, they were in a hurry and so declined.

My life is about service and loving and being practical. Katie is pragmatic if there ever was a pragmatic woman. The details of life and the home come first. Playing around by flaunting her dominance isn't something she seems to want to do or feels as if she must.  We have an understanding. She loves me and she expects me to obey her. She also expects me to love and care for her and I think what she loves most about our femdom relationship is knowing I’m here to care for her. That is the phrase she shares most. "I love that you take care of me."

And isn't that want the submissive desires most; to care for the woman who has been placed before him to serve?


I'm Hers

Friday, March 18, 2016

A Hard Lesson to Learn

Tonight I'm home alone for a few hours. Katie is out and enjoying company with girlfriends. It's something I encourage because I know she cherishes these friendships. During my alone time I started thinking about an unexpected lesson I've had to learn. 

Several years ago when I first approached her to consider a D/s relationship I did so with the thought that even though I wanted to make my relationship all about her, I also wanted it to satisfy some deep desire within me. Like so many men I wanted to feel her power. I wanted to see her become my fantasy dominatrix. Being the sophisticated guy I am I didn't come and just tell her that. In fact I did my best to disguise those very wants. I didn't let her know how much I wanted her to lock me up. I wanted her to buy in to this lifestyle rather than be scared off. But I wanted to feel her power. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted. I wanted that and so much more because it made me feel good. What I didn't know at that time was that I needed that. I needed a mistress. I needed a woman to take control.

I still don't understand it all but I do know that I function best when Katie's in full control and my choices and options are limited.  I know I'm more likely to stay on the straight and narrow when I feel her intrusive presence. I know when she slacks off I slack off as well. I know we sometimes trend precariously back in the direction of that vanilla world where we first met and fell in love.  And although that world was a wonderful one at the time I think we both subconsciously know we don't belong there. Katie loves being in charge and loves me at her beckon. It's a way of living and loving that works for us.  

Keeping us there as been a struggle at times because we are both such easy going people. I don't want to push and nag and Katie doesn't want make too many demands of me.  But if we were both honest we would agree we feel more in love when she's overtly leading and I'm intentionally serving.  Which brings me to the point of this post.  As the submissive partner I've long since learned that it's not about me.  All that stuff I wanted from her when we first ventured into the land of this unknown wasn’t for me to say, “hey let’s do this and that.” Our relationship slowly evolved and as it did Katie has paid less attention to what I want and more attention to what she wants from me.  That topic was the subject of a post a few weeks ago and some commented that I won't be truly happy without her doing the thises’ and thats I think I want and need.

I can’t say I don’t agree. I mean, I think I would become more dependent and awed if she were to become more dominant and controlling but then again, isn't submission and slavery about serving rather than me making those very choices? Isn't true submission about being the knight in the Queen/knight relationship? What slave asks of his master? What knight demands from his queen? What submissive pushes his Mistress to go places she doesn't want? It's the great quandary of the male who wants to submit to his mistress when she doesn’t want to do all of those things he wishes she would. He wants. He desires. And yet he says he belong to her.  Really? Does it make sense to push and twist situations to suit the wants of the submissive if the submissive really says all he wants to do is obey?  I don't think so.

Submission is about giving up and letting go. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about swallowing ones' pride and sometimes feeling that internal ache because things didn't go as he wanted. It's about letting her lead and supporting her and doing things on her time schedule.  That's been the hard part. That's been the difficult lesson I've had to learn.  

We live in a 'me' world. The mistress, by nature of her status has an absolute right to live in that 'me' world but the submissive surely doesn’t. The submissive is pressed instead to live in her world. That sometimes means not getting his way. That means not having every kink satisfied. That means he must learn and embrace her ways and live in her world and live as she wants him to live.  She can make it as demanding or easy as she wants. No longer is about him. His decision to submit means life becomes about her.

Living this way can be tough. I have a strong will. I like to control things - or at least I did. Yet now I can't. In fact I refuse to go there. I made a decision a long time ago I didn't like the old me when I micromanaged everything and everyone. When I gave myself to Katie I made a choice to let her make the choices as they pertained to me and us.

For example just yesterday I asked if she wanted to spend a day with me while I traveled for work. I wanted her to come. I really did. She knew her schedule permitted her to do so and on the evening before I threw out the invite. She didn't bite. She spent the day as she usually did at home while I traveled alone. She had her reasons. Did I want her to come? Sure. But I knew I couldn't beg or plead or nag. I mean, I could but by doing so I'd break my vow to follow and obey. By not accepting, she declined. It really was as simple as that. By declining I was left to deal with the disappointment, however small.  I could list several such examples where things didn’t go ‘my’ way. The common theme in all was me learning to live according to her will and not become tempted to reverse that dynamic.

I'm sure I'm not alone here. We are all selfish by nature. We are all insecure. We all have needs. It’s the role of the submissive to adapt. After all, isn't that what most of us who've asked our wives to lead really want?

I'm Hers

Saturday, February 27, 2016

We Aren't going to go further

I posed a question on the last post: If the power differential went even further would it result in greater intimacy?

At about the same time that post went up Kathy from Femdom 101 made an interesting comment. She made reference to her daughter's husband wanting more from his wife than what existed now. He wanted her to be more dominant - to make him more submissive. In response Kathy noted "One of the pieces of advice I have given Becky over the years is not to live your life so as to please a man. If your man is submissive, as David, live your life the way you want and expect him to please you."

She also stated a paragraph or two later, "Do these men need discipline? Do they need training? Do they need special attention from their wives? Is it the wife's responsibility to develop these men to become the best husbands and fathers possible? The simple answer to all of these questions is a yes."

Katie and I had a short discussion when I asked her if she felt we would benefit by adding something more to our relationship. I asked if she thought our intimacy would grow further if she became more dominant. I asked her if she ever wanted more out of me. She short of it was she didn't think so. She likes things the way they are. She is content. She doesn't want to change things.

And so we will stay right where we are. We won't be adding intentional discipline, work, chores, restrictions, play, etc to what we currently have.  Am I disappointed? Yes and no.  Yes because I'm always open to trying different things and partly because I am someone who wants to experience the unknown.  It's who I am.  Like I've said before to the question 'why do you want to climb that mountain?'  The answer is simple. Because it's there.  The same thought rings true with respect to what we have and haven't tried.

But on the flip-side, I like the way we live. One of Katie's principles is spending maximal time with me. She loves me. She likes us doing things with me. She likes us doing thing together. She enjoys hanging out with me. She hates having me leave for work and looks forward to me coming home at night. She hates when I have to work a Saturday or travel.

If she ships me out to help a friend just because she can, she loses that day with me.  If she puts me in a corner just to assert herself for an hour, she loses that hour.  I sincerely believe that's how she feels.  I also believe she likes me serving her without her having to spend a lot of intentional time thinking about keeping me submissive and she knows I'm not one that wants to rebel. She tells me what she wants and I do it.  It's a pretty simple routine we have going. I don't know if that is good or bad but I've come to accept this is the way she is.  

I wish she would verbalize more that I was her submissive, or state her dominance/claim/ownership of me more rather than let what we have exist as a gigantic unspoken elephant that surrounds anything and everything we have but mostly I don't think much about it and I don't want to convey here that I am at all unhappy with her, us, or me.  I love her and I love us. And I'm fine with how she loves and views me.

So here we are, sitting on a plateau that we've camped out on for quite some time. Will this be our final home? I really don't know but then again, it's not up to me do decide if we will pull up the tent stakes and hike on further. If we do, I'll be sure to follow wherever she takes me.

I'm Hers

Sunday, February 14, 2016

What if we went further?

I can no longer remember the feelings associated when first asking Katie is I could submit to her. I do remember handing her a long list of items I’d like to do and her marking the ones she did and didn’t want me taking on. I can remember the many times we made love and she left me right at the brink but told me I couldn’t go further. I can remember the overwhelming sense of ‘what have I gotten myself into’ one day while making a meal and thinking I promised to do this all the time – every day - for every meal – forever! I can remember lots of things that deviated from the norm. I remember thinking if other friends or family knew about what I proposed they’d think I was crazy.

Think about it. I don’t make decisions without her approval. All my income goes into her account. She doesn’t ever have to set foot into the kitchen if she doesn’t want and has me cook every meal. She tells me when she wants to eat. She allows or restricts me from altering a recipe based on her tastes and I do it without ever arguing. I address her mostly as ‘Mistress’. I manscape because that is her preference. I wear a chunk of steel anchored to my groin. I make love but don’t orgasm. I wear women’s underwear. When we go out, she drives. She never takes orders. We don’t live as equals. We don’t do a whole lot of things our parents would call normal.

And yet, living as we do has brought us more love, more affection, more desire, more passion and we have more fun as a couple than I could have ever imagined. And all of Katie’s friends are jealous for what it is we have.

But look at the choices we made. We intentionally decided to do things differently. When it all began, it felt weird. I mean she made me do things that were hard to adjust to and she opted to live as the queen of her castle knowing it was going to make her feel odd too. And it did. She had a hard time telling me what she wanted rather than asking. She had a hard time leaving things to me. But in time, what was odd became normal. I don’t think of it being unusual to shave when I shower, or address her as mistress and I know she doesn’t think twice when telling me she’s hungry knowing I’ll stop what I’m doing and fix her something. When she specifies this pile of clothes needs to be washed on gentle, it’s under the assumption that I’m the one who will be doing it and I best remember. When a friend asks us if we want to do something, I don’t even hesitate to turn and look at Katie and Katie rarely looks my way before answering. This is who we’ve become.

But I wonder, could there be something even better in store for us? Could there be more? What if we went further? What if we added to the choices we previously made? What if we did things that again felt different or odd and in the process accentuated the power differential even further? If we did, I’m sure it would initially feel strange. I think we’d both tread lightly. I think we’d wonder if we’d second guess the decisions we just made. But I also wonder if it would ignite the fire we have even further. What if it did?

Would it be worth considering adding discipline to our list of rituals? What would it do to her and me if she ever went there? What if I was told to sit at her feet and massage them nightly instead of sitting next to her on the sofa? What if she told me I had to rub her back nightly until she fell asleep, regardless of my next-day-schedule? What if she grabbed by goods like WWDDHW advocate when giving a direct command she feels is important? What if I was required to stand every time she entered or left the room? What if I was told to hold my tongue when she socialized with other women unless spoken to? What if she called one of her single girlfriends and offered to loan me out to do something physical for an afternoon or day? What if……?

I could go on and on and much of what I came up with are things some of you do that we don’t? If we added more, would we become closer? My hunch is we would. I say that because we would become more vulnerable and vulnerability is known to produce intimacy.
On the other hand, could we go too far? Would changing things spoil what we have? Some years ago we took a ride down this slippery slope. We landed, so to speak, on a flat spot. I’m simply wondering if the plateau we are not on is the ideal one for us.

The adventuresome side of my personality is open to trying because I know firsthand the changes that took place when we made our leap into a female-led-relationship. Might there be an even better version of ‘us’ still to be had or have we already found it?

I’m Her's