Saturday, January 24, 2015

Married but denied Sex

I happened upon another blog and scanned the side bar of blogs they referenced as favorites. I came across Hers Forever blog and read his last post written about a year ago. Gosh it brought back sad memories of a marriage gone bad and one part of its dissolution had to do with what he had to say. I’ll let you read an edited version and then I will comment:

“Here is my profound statement that you are welcome to remember and quote as long as you attribute it to me, “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”. Love and sex have been there all along. Love still lingers. My love for her has not diminished. I know she loves me, and my heart melts when I think of her. What has changed is the sexual content. I have said more than once that any reasonable relationship between a man and a woman relies on sex. Take away the sexual component and the relationship changes to where it no longer resembles the former.
………. yet I remained willing to serve her with the diminutive return because when she rewarded me, it was heavenly. I am talking about sex. Love is and was there all along, but love unrewarded in sexual ways has a way to be channeled into something else. Love without sex is like your favorite hamburger with French fries but without the fat, the salt, and the flavor. Paraphrased from Crocodile Dundee, “You can live on it, but it tastes like shit.”
All along we relied on her sexual needs, for mine were overwhelming, and I managed to keep it in control to attune it to hers. The FLR style of late in our relationship was perfect, for sex was up to her needs, and I had nothing to say about it. She was happy with it, and her happiness was my continuous joy.

It is now four years later, and nothing is happening. ……”
I could have written that post at one point in my life but rather than ending it with a reference to four years I would have inserted the word “eight” and then there were all of those years before the end in which the times together were far and few between. The memory of that part of my life almost makes me cry still. It is indeed ‘lost’ time that can never be recovered and one in which the frequency and closeness slowly died a painful death. I never understood ‘why’. Why could one not give of herself for even ten minutes every so often? Was that so difficult? Was sex so awful that even that bit of time, that bit of vulnerability, couldn’t be stomached? I guess I don’t understand the mind of women who view sex in this way. That attitude of rejection cut to the core of me and how I was viewed.

I am sure most men have ‘Energizer Bunny’ sex drives and women generally have ones that are quite a bit toned down from the average male. It’s just how we as males and females are wired. Even with the differences in male vs. female sex desires/needs I ask women reading this excerpt of this one man’s feelings stated so elequently: can you feel the pain contained in his words? Can you identify with his wife? If so, is your view of sex such that you can’t, under any circumstances, grant your husband, the man you love so much, just a little time for him to enjoy your body and you his? Do you disagree with the statement that “Love unfulfilled by sex is love lost.”? Do you disagree with the Crocodile Dundee analogy – that living with woman who denies her man sex stinks – at least at some level?  

If you are ‘this’ woman, I hope you can see the profound benefits of opening your heart (and body) to him and share with him as you once did when younger. God made us as sexual creatures and when done right, sex can be one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful way of bonding a woman to a man and vice versa. I am sure that in addition to a low sex drive there can be many confounding reasons why a man and a woman do not become physically close and my purpose is not to go there because I don’t understand all of those reasons. My reason for mentioning this specific comment from this specific blog is because I was him at one point in my life and I could feel the sadness (and understood the tact) with which he wrote. Yet the sadness was profound. In a femdom relationship I would hope that couples could agree that love can be expressed – and needs to be expressed in many forms. Service, pleasantries, leadership, companionship, communication, affection, devotion….. and sex.

I hope that your relationship is a healthy one. I hope that you can enjoy your love in every way – including sexually – but by no means just sexually. Sorry to get so serious but this one struck home. Have a wonderful week.

I’m Hers 

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Weekend

Most of what I had hoped for came true on Friday evening. At 8:30 Katie told me it was time to go up and so we did. I knew what she wanted - a massage, and I gave her a long one for well over an hour.  I think she could lay on that table all night if she didn't think I was getting tired or bored with my end of the deal.  We snuggled, snuggled some more and then "really" snuggled before cuddling, talking and eventually falling asleep.

The weekend was a mix of enjoying the warmer weather, taking a walk around a nearby lake with binoculars to see the migrating ducks, running a few errands, eating lunch at a favorite restaurant, getting some work done around the house and watching a little football on Sunday.

Speaking of football.... I love football.  It was the fourth quarter. We had missed all of the first half as we were working on a project upstairs. I asked if I could flip on the TV and was permitted to do so.  I enjoyed a great game, pulling for the Packers. Things got interesting toward the end and with about 6 minutes to go in the game with the Seahawks finally getting some life and my beautiful wife sitting next to me watching but not understanding the game she said,

"OK, I'm hungry. Cook my steak."

"I said to myself, "Are you kidding me? There's only 6 minutes left. Do you really know what you are asking of me?"

But I got up, stalled as best as I could, lit the grill and came back in and watched some more while it heated, and finally tore myself away to go grill a few small steaks that I had taken out of the freezer earlier.

That night I relayed the timeliness of her statement and Katie told me she really was unaware of what was going on. That was of course true. I was watching the Packers play the Seahawks. She was watching the white team do something that the blue team didn't want them to do and had no id ea where the ball was while the white team was trying to do what they were doing.

"Whose the the quarterback?" she'd ask.

"That's Aaron Rodgers,"

"Oh, I don't know him."

"You pump me up!" I'd say in some Russian voice referring to a commercial currently playing on US TV.

"Oh, now I know."

That is football to Katie. She's getting there but it might take a few more years to grasp the sport enough to appreciate it.

On another note, I'm working on an attic project. One of the things I'm doing is adding some insulation to what is there already.  Now I have a friend. A good friend although we've never met. He knows a thing or two about building since he is a builder. I wasn't sure if I could put the batting over or under existing heat and vent 'pipes' and so I took a picture of what was there and sent it to him.

Wa-la! A half hour and several text messages later I had my answer and got even more info than I had asked.  How nice it is to have friends that can help and even better that they are submissive ones.

Today I am thankful for Martin Luther King, He was an inspirational leader but more personally he implored my employer to give me the day off of work. Thank you MLK!

I'm Hers

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Decisions Decisions

I looked at my schedule for Friday and realized I could get off earlier than usual. The trade-off to that would be that I would have to be at work earlier if I wanted my weekend to start sooner rather than later. I asked Katie what I should do and she put it back on me, telling me to decide.

I had thoughts but wasn't sure that I should share them but decided to. I told her that if I knew she'd want to make love in the morning I would rather work later but if she didn't I would go in earlier so I could have a Friday evening with her. She smiled. I smiled. Then she dropped the bomb.

"I can't think that far ahead," was her answer.

Then she made me feel guilty and added, "I thought you'd want to sleep in and snuggle with me."

Geez! She gave me a choice and I expressed my feelings and now I feel selfish. Well, maybe I am and maybe she was justified in stating the obvious – that I was selfish and that she never thinks about having sex that far ahead. And besides, my decision to work early versus late had everything to do with making me feel good rather than looking out for her.

Sometimes I just can't win. And then again, sometimes I shouldn’t win.  And so I tried to repair the damage, sending her a text after I left for work today:

“I could get home from work earlier and then we could cuddle, snuggle, play kissy-face and kissy-your-pussy, rub our naked bodies all over one another, put my protrusion inside your intrusion and have a wild and crazy time and then …. You could relax on a heated massage table with candles and soft music while your submissive husband tends to you obediently and properly by giving you a long massage.”

And then I added, “Or, we could watch the 9 o’clock, 10 o’clock and 11 o’clock news and weather.” (you know, a girl always needs options – a way to gently say ‘no’. I thought I’d give her the option so as to not press her too tightly into a corner :).

Katie responded, “Decisions, decisions, LOL”

“I’m leaning towards the 9, 10 and 11 o’clock news option myself,” I replied.

“I’m sure.”

Which way are you leaning?


Yessss!! So things may work out for the best after all.

Have a wonderful weekend. Mine looks like it might start off just fine.

I’m Hers

Monday, January 12, 2015

The Word "Mistress"

I know that Kathy posted a brief comment on this but will do the same regardless. I was sent an email and the gist of it mentioned a woman’s awkwardness in being called a Mistress because of it being tied to an adulterous woman. I personally don’t use the word with that meaning in mind and forwarded Katie the email, asking for her thoughts. She commented later that she views it as meaning ‘the woman in charge’. That is my view as well. 

Depending on the dictionary you use you will find the below definitions listed in various orders. Note that there is the ‘sexual definition’ of mistress but note the many varied references of a woman in a position of power.
I refer to Katie with a variety of terms of endearment that range from Katie to Katie-girl, to Sweetheart, to Sugar-Pie, to Ma’am, to Boss, to Mistress, and so on and so on. I use the latter three terms when I am either responding to her after being told to do something like, “go take out the trash.” “Yes Ma’am” or “yes Mistress,” will be my typical response. If I walk in the door after work and greet her with a big hug I might say, “It’s great to see you Sweetheart” or something similar. If she’s told me yet another thing to do, I might respond with “yes Boss,” to indicate that I’m the sub and she’s the Mistress. 
Bottom line, I think you need to address your wife respectfully and do so with a name that both suits her and feels comfortable to you and her. Personally I don’t use the term ‘goddess’ as it feels awkward for me to equate her as synonymous with a god. Maybe it’s my faith but there is something not right about exalting a woman – even a Mistress Wife – to that level. Yet others do and I get their intention. It’s all about respect and endearment.
To the woman that wrote me I would say this: If the thought of being in charge appeals to you and you want to make sure that your submissive verbally addresses you in some form that acknowledges that but the word Mistress feels a bit awkward then do one of two things. Either have him refer to you as Mistress until it becomes comfortable or find another word that works. Usually if you do something long enough that which was unusual/uncomfortable/new at first will eventually become the norm.
Katie has one rule at this point – that I am not to refer to her as Mistress around others. I do use the word Ma’am quite frequently in social circles though as a form of respect and recognition that she is the one in charge.
I’m Hers

1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a man who is married to someone else.

2. A woman in a position of authority, control, or ownership, as the head of a household: "Thirteen years had seen her mistress of Kellynch Hall" (Jane Austen).
     a. A woman who owns or keeps an animal: a cat sitting in its mistress's lap.
     b. A woman who owns a slave.

4. A woman with ultimate control over something: the mistress of her own mind.
     a. A nation or country that has supremacy over others: Great Britain, once the mistress of the seas.
     b. Something personified as female that directs or reigns: "my mistress ... the open road" (Robert Louis Stevenson).

6. A woman who has mastered a skill or branch of learning: a mistress of the culinary art.

7. Mistress. Used formerly as a courtesy title when speaking to or of a woman.

8. Chiefly British A woman schoolteacher.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

It's still early in the game

I don’t know about other bloggers but when I get an idea I write it down or send myself a detailed text or email – something to remind me of the thought or event that came to pass.  I have several such notes in a folder and since I have been pretty brain-dead recently with respect to femdom thoughts I delved into the folder.

It was night. Katie and I were in bed. The lights were out. It was late – probably a Friday or Saturday night. I had myself wrapped around her from behind like I often do - one arm lay under her neck, the other around her body. I had just given her a massage for the past hour. She was relaxed and feeling loved and attended to.

One of the fears she expressed when we first considered this alternative lifestyle with her assuming control was a fear of changing for the worse. She didn’t want to become that kind of a woman, that kind of a wife. She didn’t want me to think of her as a bitch. That was about three years ago.  As I lay behind her I thought of that past conversation and of her now and said,

“See, you haven’t become a bitch after all; since becoming my Mistress,” I added. If fact you’ve become even more beautiful as a person.”

To my surprise she answered, “It’s early on in this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean we’ve only been doing this for a while and we have a long way to go.”

“Are you telling me you might become a bitch?”

“I might.”

Her comments surprised me. I hadn’t expected such candidness from a woman seemingly so passive in the way she leads. I would have never thought that she thought such things as 'we are just beginning', 'we have a long way to go' and 'I might become a bitch'.  I still don’t know what she means by the statement that it is still early in the game but my guess is she sees me becoming more submissive than I am now.  And I don’t even know what more submissive means to her. More trained? Doing more things? More chores? Becoming more deferential?  I really don’t know and she isn’t one to wear her thoughts on her sleeve. She can be difficult to read.

When I reflect on those words it makes me drool with anticipation. They give me hope that there will be more, that she will become more affirmative, more confident, more overt as my Mistress and in the way she leads our home. She will always be my Katie-girl and best friend, but like I said in my last post: to feel owned is a feeling of being loved that is greater than just ‘being loved’.  It’s a layer of love on top of the love she already has for me. Conversely, to know she is firmly planted as my forever-Mistress gives me reason to love her even more than before. I am a lucky man. Hopefully she feels she is equally lucky to have me too.

I’m Hers

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Just do what I tell you

Katie and I got away for a few days last month. We headed to one of her favorite get-away spots and enjoyed two days and two nights all to ourselves.  On the second day– the day before we were to return home – we ate at our favorite restaurant. It’s an Italian place. It’s quaint and cozy and when we arrived they put us at a corner table all by ourselves. How romantic! Last year when we were there Katie ordered carbonara and I had some pasta seafood dish. Both meals were delicious and the helpings were huge. We both left with leftovers made for another dinner the following day.

Prior to getting away this time, we checked the online menu to see what they were serving. Much to Katie’s dismay carbonara was not listed. Katie loves carbonara. It’s one of her favorite meals and although it’s not at all healthy – being full of carbs and bacon and cheese and saturated with a cream sauce that is, well it is absolutely delicious but fattening as can be. Katie wanted carbonara. She wanted it bad and she was bummed when she didn’t see it on the menu.

We called ahead and made reservations. We always make reservations and on the day of our meal we arrived a few minutes prior to our reservation time. That’s because we are never late - never. It's one of those things Katie avoids at all costs.  And so we were on time and the hostess led us to our romantic corner table.  A few minutes later the waitress gave us our menu. We both went to the Pasta section. As expected, there was no listing for carbonara. Katie’s heart sank. When the waitress returned to take our drink order we asked if they still offered carbonara and she informed us that it was something they put on the menu every now and again. But, she added, "the chef might make it for you if she has the ingredients on hand". Her eyes brightened. Hope!  A few minutes later Katie beamed when the news that she could accommodate us.

And so we ate; she with a heaping plate of carbonara and me with a plate of pasta topped with Italian sausage, meatballs and covered in a marinara sauce loaded with peppers, mushrooms, onions, olives, garlic, oregano – all the good stuff that makes my mouth water – the kind of stuff I absolutely love. We had a great time. We ate tons and left with two Styrofoam containers filled with dinner leftovers. 

Now our weekend away happened to come at a time when the weather had turned cold; not real cold but cold enough. The temps were going down to freezing that night and as we drove back to the hotel I asked Katie, “So you want me to leave the leftovers in the trunk?”  

“No bring them in.”

My eyebrows rose but she was driving and didn’t see my reaction. I thought to myself, “It’s going down to 30 tonight – that’s freezing. Isn’t that just as cold as the refrigerator? Isn’t the purpose to keep this stuff cold and are we not leaving tomorrow morning? Is there a reason why you want me to cart this stuff up six floors at 8pm only to cart it back down the following morning to exactly the same place where it is now?”

I kept my mouth shut thinking how ludicrous it was for me to do what she wanted. Just be sure she heard me correctly I asked again just before we got to the hotel. 

“Are you sure you want me to bring the food up to the fridge? It’s going to be cold tonight.” I added that last bit because I knew she’d put two and two together and make a rationale decision.

“No. Bring it up.”

Ugh! And so I did. I didn’t question. I didn’t argue. I didn’t complain or nag. I knew better. I had asked and then made sure a bit later. The answer was the same and it wasn’t going to change.  I didn’t understand her rationale and didn’t opt to press her into a corner. The issue wasn’t a matter of pragmatism but one of obedience. So without saying more and without ever conveying all of my thoughts that all pointed to the same conclusion: “this is an irrational thing to do that makes no sense,” I just did it.

I put the meals in the fridge and we then enjoyed a quiet evening. We had fun. We stayed up late. We slept in. When we woke the following day we got up and opened the sliding door that led to the patio. The sun was shining brightly. The cold had gone. The temps were quickly rising into the upper 50’s if not warmer and I thought about the trunk of my car – sitting out there in the bright sun - on the black pavement - absorbing all of that radiant energy - and I said to myself, “self, aren’t you glad you kept your mouth shut last night and did what you were told with that food?” 

“Yup,” said myself to its other self.

Need I draw the obvious conclusions for you the reader? I didn't think so. :)

I’m Hers

Rule #1: Never disobey Mistress

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Still Learning the Ropes

It was December 23rd. Katie was stressed. We had mostly gotten everything ready for Christmas but there were still these odds and ends that needed to be done – mostly lots of straightening and cleaning of the house. Family would be here on Christmas but we still had to do this and this and this and we were going out in the evening because friends had invited us over a few weeks ago. Katie had zero energy and was struggling with a cold and feeling frustrated she couldn’t get over it.  She was walking in circles and going nowhere. 

She had just taken a nap and prior to her going up I told her I’d scrub the tile floors, something she said needed doing. Earlier in the day I sat watching her clean another room and wondered why she wasn’t telling me to clean it for her. She wasn’t and so I let her do her thing. But inside it hurt that she hadn’t told me to do get over and help.  Part of me wanted to but another part told me to let her remember she had a sub to do these kinds of things. All she had to do was say the words, “get in here and do this.”

“Can I help you,” I asked after watching her pace the kitchen and working herself up into a frenzy of frustration.

Before she answered I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to the sofa as a thought popped into my mind. I said, “I want to read something to you first.”

I grabbed the laptop and pulled up the comment that Sandra had written on Kathy’s blog a week earlier and read it, paraphrasing and personalizing it to us.  Here is generally how it came out when I read it ad lib:

“Katie, sometimes you fail to understand that I am a submissive and have a need to serve you. It's not a desire, a kink or a game, it's a need. When you feel guilty and don’t ask much of me, or refrain from pushing me too hard, fearing you might make me uncomfortable, you cheat me out of the service I crave to perform, and limit our femdom relationships to something less than what it could be. I want to give you so much and serve you in ways you can only dream of. In return I want you to be confident enough to demand my service, expect it and then accept it freely and without feeling guilty”

I looked her in the eye and said, “Now how can I help you? Do you understand what I am trying to say?”

She shook her head in the affirmative and then told me I needed to dust the room, vacuum under the sofa and chair cushions and straighten this and that.  I asked for specifics and she told me exactly what I was to do.  I became a happy camper! This is what I wanted to hear.
I’m now writing while she is out stocking stuffer shopping for me.  I am writing this because that incident made me think of those ‘Christmas letters’ I hate getting – you know the ones from distant relatives highlighting their past year and touting how wonderful, successful and incredible everyone in their household has been for the past 365 days.  Yes, I understand there were cool things they did but life isn’t always about vacations, thrills and victories.  Yet I know that when I describe my relationship with Katie here on this blog I may give that same perception; that we are the perfect femdom couple. We aren’t. We struggle. We live in the vanilla world too much. I’ve never been punished, or admonished. I tend to be lazy and Katie is often ‘too nice’ to me and demands little. 

We are happily married but we do struggle. We don’t get it right all the time. We have been going at this for almost four years now and we still are very much like we were prior to me asking to submit.  I am not the perfect sub. I haven’t’ even vacuumed the cheerios and crap that’s under those cushions yet! 

But we do encourage one another and I do remind Katie daily how much I love her and we both try to lead and follow respectively.  I do refer to her as my mistress and she will call me her sub now and again. I do tell her I want to do whatever makes her happy. I do ask before doing . I do all that because I know that leading doesn’t come naturally for her.  She struggles to lead. I struggle to obey but we are both trying.  We are making progress and in doing so we keep our focus on one another.

I need to stop for now and finish my chores before she gets back and gets frustrated because I failed to do what she told me.

I’m Hers