Wednesday, July 29, 2015

One of our Staples

One of the small things we enjoy doing together is playing Spider Solitaire on Katie’s laptop. More accurately, Katie plays the game and I sit beside her and give her my two scents. When we play I usually put one arm around her shoulder and the other on her front. I often jokingly tell her that when I massage her breast it brings out her A-game. Tonight was one of those nights but unlike most, I felt especially close to my Mistress – almost as if I needed to touch; needed to hold; needed to remain physically close to her presence. And so while she played I proceeded to kiss the back of her neck through her soft hair; caress her body, run my fingers through her hair, massage her neck and scalp and inhale her scent.

Lately I’ve been feeling really needy – needy for her. I don’t know why but I am. I know I have these cycles where I crave her dominance and ache to be next to her so I can feel her body touching mine. It’s such an odd impulse but it nevertheless exists.

I want to be known as her sub and welcome every instance where she reinforces that. I have loved her directness lately and have appreciated her taking charge – not in a kinky way – but rather by speaking her mind and having the confidence and expectant attitude that I’ll do what she wants.

It’s now the following morning. We headed to bed last night after playing a few games. I was still feeling quite cuddly. I don’t know if I’ve become more dependent on Katie or if I’ve simply come to enjoy being close. After we climbed in bed she snuggled up to me, resting her head on my chest and we talked in the dark before falling asleep. One of us rolled over and the other spooned. We did that the entire night and it felt so very good. I woke feeling so appreciative of her. After making love and bringing her to several orgasms we began our day.

It’s the little things in life that can mean so much. A simple game like Spider Solitaire and night time cuddling are two of those events. Snuggling, spooning, and morning sex are other ‘little’ things we do often and when all are added together it makes for quite a nice way to spend a day with a woman I’ve come to address as Mistress!


I’m Hers

Friday, July 24, 2015

A Curious dichotomy

Yesterday Katie was in the other room. I could hear her on the phone and her tone was one in which she was obviously expressing frustration to whomever it was on the other end. I later asked who she was talking to and she explained she had called customer service for Target, a large department chain in the States.  Katie had checked the receipt slip from a purchase she had made some days ago and noticed that on a second receipt that came with the purchase receipt was a statement in large bold red letters: "Important: Call to verify your RedCard mailing address today. It looks like we might have an outdated address for you... bla bla bla." And it ended with an 800 number to call Target. And so she called. Her frustration had to do with the comment on the receipt. We go to this store weekly and they send us monthly statements because we use their credit card to save a little money. They obviously have her address and contact info and Katie didn't appreciate them telling her they didn't.

"It's just a waste of paper and my time," she said irritated while holding up the two-foot long receipt.
...........................

That afternoon I was seated next to her on the sofa and she humphed in frustration, "Ahhhhh!"

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"This stupid computer is taking so long to do what I want it to do!"

Later that evening she was wrapping a gift for a party we would be attending. The package was large and heavy (yes we have grandchildren and they need 'big' packages from their grandparents). I was in the other room and heard her groaning with frustration. "I need your help," she called.  She was having trouble getting the ribbon around the packages without tearing the paper. I held them up for her until she got things the way she wanted.

"Do you know what puzzles me?" I asked later.

"What?"

"That you are so quick to express frustration with other people like the the customer service lady or with things that give you trouble but almost never with me."

She smiled but said nothing.

And so that discussion ended right where it started. Yet I wondered why she treats me differently because I am by no means perfect. I tend not to always respond immediately when she calls me away from whatever I'm doing or tells me to do something for her. Yes I do obey but sometimes I put myself and my needs/chores/wants first (at least for a little bit) before attending to what she wants done - not always but sometimes - and I wonder why she lets me slide and doesn't express similar frustration at my slow responses on those occasions.

Katie seems content with how I react and yet I know she has an impatient/expectant attitude. She doesn't enjoy being put out. She doesn't enjoy wasting time. She is the ultimate pragmatist. She can be quite particular and yet I can count on one hand the number of times she's snapped at me. It's a rare occasion indeed.

And I wonder why I am the exception.

I mention this because of the dichotomy that I'm certain must appear to be so strange to 'outsiders' who I know must read my or similar blogs. Most men don't want to be controlled. They don't want to be commanded to do this or do that or be told, "let's go," when they are in the middle of something. I do. I crave it. I live for it. I need it. I feel grumpy and moody when I don't feel it or get it. If you are not a man who belongs to a woman - meaning she doesn't own you - then the aforementioned statement may not make much sense. If you are, then I believe you fully understand what I'm trying to say.

If you are a mistress I think you can identify with your need to maintain control. I made mention to Katie not so long ago that mistressing is all about attitude. What I was referring to was her need to not forget how important it is to maintain an air of control in order to keeping our marriage intimate and me close to her emotionally. And she has come so far. Just today I asked her if she had been intentionally acting different recently. She said she wasn't and asked me why. During a three day weekend with her at home I noticed how expectant she had been at ordering me around. Now her ordering is never harsh but it was persistent: Let's eat. Let's go. Get me some ice water. It's time for bed. Put my medicine out on the counter so I don't forget to take it. Come and look at this.... and on and on it went.  I need that control. I really do. I don't know that I could be happy without it. I think we'd fall on hard times if she ever decided to go back to our old way of living in a 50/50 arrangement.

All of this is a learning process and Katie and I are no exception. She's been my mistress for about four years and she is still adapting to that role. Likewise I am too. In my last post I mentioned how I struggled to remain submissive while having to obey her corrective words when I didn't want to hear them.  We are doing better but by no means have mastered our respective roles of leading and following. But the journey has surely been worth the effort.

I'm Hers

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A laughable moment

Katie and I were watching the evening news together. If you live in the States you are aware that there have been quite a few shark attacks on North Carolina beaches. No one has been killed but a few have sustained significant injuries.  There was a short segment in the news tonight that reported on this topic from a different slant. The news showed the below picture and explained how this couple constructed their own shark protection cage so they could at least go into the ocean safely..



As soon as Katie saw the image she exclaimed, "They're inside Jailbirds!" referring to the Mature Metal Jailbird chastity appliance she keeps me locked in.

I love her and love that we can relate so openly even when it comes to my chastity.

I'm Hers

Friday, July 17, 2015

Tensions

I had a bit of an internal rebellion of sorts the other day. I was working on a project that I’ve wanted to do for some time – straightening the garage/basement. Since I’m the ‘new’ one here, having moved into Katie’s home when we married, most all we have is hers. I see it as hers; I view it as hers. As a result I don’t feel as if I have a say in what stays or what goes and we tend to be opposites in that way. She’s a keeper and I’m a chucker-outer. In the course of my undertaking I got upset because of some of the things she wanted to keep. I didn’t see nor understand why but did what I was told. I spent some twelve hours working. The heat of the south didn’t help matters as much of my time was in the garage. 

Every so often Katie would check on me and tell me something that would demand a change of plans. After a few such changes I began to get a bit irritated. I went to bed that first night irritated but had enough perspective to remind myself not to compromise my love for her over material things.  I needed to think long and hard about that because I came from a marriage in which saving ‘stuff’ was taken to an extreme. Maybe having to confront what little Katie keeps stirred those old emotions allowing stress, anxiety and insecurity to rear its ugly head once more. For whatever reason I was struggling.

On day two I took a load of goods to our local Good Will. In that pile of stuff I mistakenly took something she wanted to keep. She wondered I did on purpose but I assured her it was an honest mistake – which it was. She made another critical remark or two about my work and where I was putting things and when she said something like, “you’ve been working hard,” or “things are shaping up nicely” I replied by saying “that’s the first nice thing you’ve said all day.”  Of course I was being sarcastic and not very loving.

Later that night I confessed I hadn’t handled the whole situation properly, told her I was sorry for getting upset and Katie responded with an interesting comment telling me it’s hard treading the fine line of being a mistress. Later I asked her what she meant and she explained she doesn’t want to be bitchy or mean while being my Mistress.

What I struggled with was obedience. In every ‘change of plans’ of the house cleaning project I did what she wanted but I didn’t do so willingly every time. I grumped to myself. I didn’t think pleasing thoughts. I wasn’t the sub she would have been proud of if she could have read my mind. I was caught up in the moment and my emotions consumed me.  I knew it wasn’t good but I couldn’t make myself take a more positive attitude.

How sad it is when stuff takes precedence over people. I married Katie because of the beautiful woman she is and not because of the stuff she possessed. I also continue to love her for those same reasons. No she isn’t perfect. Yes we have differing views at times but she has pledged to lead us and I have pledged to follow that lead. It was me, not she, who dropped the ball here. I wanted my way and when I didn’t get it I grumped, pouted, sulked…. Call it what you will but it was something that in no way ‘embraced her decisions’ as I vowed to do as her submissive. I do believe a large part of my inappropriate reaction had to do with my past feelings from a previous marriage. Yet I failed to keep Katie, and her wishes, ahead of my desire to do what I wanted and in doing so revealed the real problem I have.

My internal rebellion is something I need to keep a better handle on. Maybe Katie should have taken a more direct and confrontational approach but I wasn’t sure she even knew what was going on in my mind until I finally told her I was upset and irritated. I’d be interested to hear how you as a Mistress handle similar situations or how you as a submissive deal with issues when they arise.

Me, well I didn’t handle this situation as well as I should have.


I’m Hers 

Friday, July 10, 2015

Proactive vs Reactive

After watching the fall out of the Amtrack train wreck in Philadelphia last month I couldn’t help but notice the reactions by so many who wanted to fix the problem. There was a suggestion to change policy making sure there are two in the engine rather than one. Others wanted to install monitoring cameras in every engine compartment to watch the engineer to see what he/she is doing while on the job. Still others wanted to make certain a speed monitoring device is mounted to every train that would slow it down on curves to prevent a repeat of this terrible accident.

Are we not a reactive society? Now a month later after the horrific shooting in Charleston, everyone wants the Confederate flag taken down because some loony 21 year old had it as a symbol of white supremacy. I’m not a southerner, although I now live in the south. I can say from a Yankees perspective: I have no negative association with the confederate flag. I’ve never associated it with slavery. My only associations are those flags in the back of pickup trucks along with a gun rack and the symbol of the Confederacy during the Civil War. But policy will be what policymakers decide and momentum is on the side of taking the flag down in public places.

How many of us know of a bad intersection and have said, “if they don’t put a traffic light here or make this a four-way stop someone is going to get killed.” And when that accident happens, guess what happens? They install that light or sign. They react rather than proact.

It made me wonder if we approach our marriages in the same way. Too many of us wait until things become noticeably bad before we do anything about the problems. Usually by then, whatever the issue is has hit an acute point of sensitivity so now, whenever it occurs again, both partners are in defense mode. Looking back on my failed marriage I know we both let things go too long before addressing them. But that’s simply the kind of people we are – we react. I think we’re just too busy with life to not put small stuff aside (even if it ends up being major stuff). 

I saw my son not too long ago and asked “do you or your wife do anything to protect your marriage and ensure it stays healthy?” He looked at me like I was from Mars. I told him about his mom and I and how I wish for him to never experience what we it. I don’t think he saw the significance of what I was saying because he really had no answer.

Doesn’t it seem like being proactive is a better solution than being reactive? What do we do proactively to keep that special “oneness” with our spouse? Kathy has evening chats while her husband kneels at her feet. Sub hub in Phoenix and his Mistress go out for dinner periodically specifically to talk about their D/s relationship. Katie makes sure I’m locked if I ever leave the house without her accompanying me. We recommit our love for one another by reciting vows annually. She knows my email passwords and monitors my location via her phone when we are part. Dennis’ wife (worshipping your wife) rifles through his wallet to see what receipts/cash he has, making certain he isn’t spending on items he shouldn’t. I wonder what your spouse does to keep the two of you close? (I put the ownership on the wife since most reading here live in a WLM.)

I guess some might respond by saying “she disciplines me”. I would agree that discipline serves as a way to curb wrong behavior although it is a reactionary response rather than a proactive one. Many years ago I went to a seminar on esteem building. The talk pertained to helping children grow to be well adapted and have a positive self image. I remember the speaker stating, “For every negative comment you make you need to balance that with at least four positive ones.”  Wow! Now that’s a toughie. We don’t think that way. It’s not how most of us are wired.

I attended another conference some years later and the speaker was a therapist. He noted that if you say ‘don’t do this or don’t do that’ the patient will then focus on that very thing. That’s not the goal here he went on to say; the goal is not to get them to focus on the negative but the positive – what you want them to accomplish. He then said, “When your patient doesn’t perform the task properly correct them without saying the word don’t.” Again, it’s not how we tend to speak. It takes a conscious effort to rephrase the statement from a negative to positive. As a parent isn’t it easier to say, “Sally stop that!” then say “Sally, come. Let’s try this.”

I did a quick Google search and came across this article.  It noted those in the business world who are most successful had a 5.6/1 positive/negative feedback ratio from colleagues while those that were least successful had a .7/1.0 ratio (that’s four negatives for every three positives). The study sounded quite similar to the talk I heard fifteen years ago regarding self esteem. It seems getting the most out of employees works the same way as building a positive self image.

To bring the message a little closer to home the above author makes this parallel,

“As an interesting aside, we find ….this research is echoed in an uncanny way by John Gottman’s analysis of wedded couples’ likelihood of getting divorced or remaining married. Once again, the single biggest determinant is the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another. And the optimal ratio is amazingly similar — five positive comments for every negative one.”

Isn’t that interesting? Not to use this as a barb to those engaged in domestic discipline but having your bottom reddened every time you do something wrong doesn’t seem like the best method to get Joe to stop doing wrong. Yes, discipline and criticism does work in the short term. A beating is akin to a sharp rebuttal or other negative comment. It gets one’s attention. It works to get your point across in the immediacy of life but life isn’t about the moment, it’s about a lifetime. It’s a continuum. It seems a better choice than the whack or cutting remark is to be proactive and build your spouse up, saving criticism when it is needed but using it sparingly.

I know if I’ve had a great day at work but had a situation where someone criticized me, on the way home that one critical remark will stick in my mind and bother me. When my son was younger I attended a piano recital. He memorized a piece that was several minutes long but messed up the ending. When the recital was over I was standing with him and his teacher and I said, “you did great except for the ending.” His teacher promptly corrected me saying, “but did you notice how many notes he played perfectly?” She cut me to the quick. I focused on the negative. I cut my son down by my remark. She built him up. She commended him on doing well and implicitly reminded me I should do the same.

OK, enough writing.  I need to stop so I can go tell Katie how much I love her, and how much I’ve appreciated being able to spend my day with her (that’s two positives…. she deserves so many more!). I’m sure your Mistress does as well.


I’m Hers

Sunday, July 5, 2015

21st Century Child Care

Man-care. Stay at home dads. Paternal leaves after a child is born. That is the new trend . I’ve been doing some thinking about the changing face of our society and childcare since more dads are raising children than ever before.

My comments here have to do with the differences between men and women. We are not the same. We are different. We have different personalities. Our values differ. Our approach to problems, our social skills, our interests are all different. In part it is those differences that attract us to one another.
I found an article on the web and the author stated the following: “In reading the research on personality traits it appears that three traits are more common in males: aggression, higher-stakes risk-taking, and assertiveness while sociability, harm-avoidance and  emotionality are more common in females.

In the past, boys were raised by moms and they still ended up being aggressive, risk takers and assertive. How might they be if dad raises them? Will girls become less sociable, more likely to take risks and express more aggressive qualities than their grandmothers or mothers?

Boys tend to be more crude than their female counterpart, they are competitive, they like trucks and jets and ships; they talk about things more than feelings. They migrate to action events whether it is sports, fast cars, loud engines or thriller/action movies. Will these traits become more common with dad at home?

 When I was a young parent my wife didn’t want to encourage violence so we never got the boys a gun. Well the boys didn’t need a gun. All they needed was their finger, a stick, a fork, a tinker toy or anything they felt looked like a gun in their pre-school age imagination. The girls hardly ever joined in. I wonder why? When my oldest boy was in the church nursery (he was two), another mother came to us complaining because he kept pushing her daughter down. As a two year old it’s hard to say he was being intentionally malicious. Well a few years later she had a baby boy, my how her perspective on life changed.

Men are different than women. I don’t know why but we are.  Up until quite recently women raised the children while dads were off working. Now the trend is reversing and more dads are staying home. I know when I had time to be home with my children I approached parenting different than my wife.  I gave them more freedom. If they fell, well they fell. They learned. That was my view. My responsibility was to keep them away from danger, not pad their world with feathers and foam padding. If they got into an argument I let them work it out – or until I got tired of them arguing over who was cheating at Monopoly or Risk or Sorry or Checkers or whatever board game they were playing.

My point is this: What will our boys and girls grow up to be like when their primary influence during those early formative years are under dad’s influence rather than how it always has been – with mom caring for the kids? I would dare think that dad would give their kids more freedom. I bet he’d not watch them quite as closely as mom would. I wonder how he’d handle the various issues of the day when they arise. When they reach school age and come home after school and are full of words to share from their day and spill all to dad, I wonder how mom will feel when she gets home at 6 PM and asks about their day and all they say is “it was OK mom.”

Life is a balance. There are always trade-offs. When mom is away at work and dad stays home, will these grown children saying “Let’s go to Grandpop’s house.” Instead of … “Let’s go see Nana”. I mean, if little Sally and Johnny grow up being raised by a man won’t they also want to spend time with men? After all that’s who they will associate as being their true caretaker. They are the ones investing the thousands of hours raising, caring for, laughing and crying and playing with them while mom is off working. Doesn’t it only make sense they will be the ones they desire to be with most? And if dads have spent thousands of hours with their children, won’t those children grow up reflecting DAD’S values, DAD’S habits, DAD’s mannerisms much more so than mom’s?
This study seems to say so:

“There are a variety of theories of heritability of personality (Turkheimer, 2000), but it is important to note that research has also shown that socialization and culture can impact the expression of certain traits. This means that although there may be a disposition toward males and females possessing different levels of these traits, parenting, cultural influences, and the socialization process can determine their levels of expression and development of other characteristics.”

The study points out the influence of those who raise us as well as those we spend time with. The people we spend time with impact values, views, approaches to problems, and so much more. They serve as a significant influential factor in determining how inherited traits might be expressed and gets to the heart of how “stay at home dads” might influence the growing boys and girls of the future. Research implies children raised by dads will reflect more of dad’s personality/behavior than moms. Is that ok with moms?

As the adage states with regard to men wanting chastity: be careful what you wish for. Might the same be true for all the mom’s who chose work over home? If mom is off working for 40-60 hours a week she will cultivate relationships with her colleagues and coworkers while dad is home building bonds with little Sally and Johnny. I’m not saying working mothers is not the best option. I’m not saying dads raising children is second best. I am saying the change in our culture may result in a different outcome with regard to the children raise; one that reflects more of dad’s personality and male traits than of moms.

Just some food for thought.


I’m Hers

Friday, July 3, 2015

Happy Mistress' Day!

It's July 3 at the time of this writing. In the States we celebrate our independence from when our country was ruled by England.  We call it Independence Day.

I was thinking that in my femdom world the only ones that really celebrate "independence" are wives/women in female-led-relationships and wife-led-marriages. There hasn't been any 'independence' for me in a very long time.

So to the mistresses of the world, I salute you. Enjoy your own independence day tomorrow.

I'm Hers