This blog is about my service-submission to Katie. When we married I promised to obey, submit, adore and love. Obedience required me to give control of sex, money, time, and decision-making to Katie. That choice has deepened our relationship, increased our openness and brought the two of us so very close. Submission to Katie requires effort but it also focuses my energy and mind completely on her. I hope the thoughts here help you to consider a FLR. It may be the best choice you've ever made.
Over forty posts. Never in my life would I have imagined. Thanks to all for being a part of a very active discussion. Little did I know that a misinterpretation of My Hearts Desire comment would create so much interest - but then again - the topic did focus on chastity and orgasm denial - so I guess there was much fuel for the fire by those who live and die by such topics.
I'll put up another post on the 21st - but for now, I wanted to say 'thank you' and hope you all have a wonderful week. Love your spouse. Make her feel special. She is worth every kindness and act of love you offer.
A week or so ago, My Heart’s Desire made the suggestion that
I should approach Katie and see if my last orgasm – which was back in early
June – could be my last. He commented that he’s been denied all year
and has gone through the withdrawal symptoms and now can embrace his submission
fully and even stated that ‘there is something freeing about knowing there will
be no more orgasms'.
So my question to both men and women alike is: Is this
something that you have considered?
My response to him was that I don’t want to go there. Denial without stimulation is not a place I
ever want to experience. I love the feeling of arousal, of being inside her, of feeling
her touch, of being close. When that
is combined with the fact that I am not to orgasm when she touches me or when we make love, the hormonal concoction is pretty powerful. For me it builds my desire for Katie. Yes it
leaves me wanting, but it never leaves me with the post orgasm blues that all
men experience after ejaculation. Rather it makes me
desire her even more and it is that emotional tension that I love feeling.
There have been times when I’ve been denied and not touched.
When I was dealing with my back issues was one such time. I don’t particularly
enjoy not feeling a desire for Katie. I enjoy looking at her and thinking 'I want you’.
Yes, I know the decision to have her is ultimately up to her but I sure do love feeling that way and I have no trouble asking. The worse she can say is no and often she says yes. There is no better place to be than where a ‘yes’ takes us.
But obviously My Heart’s Desire feels differently. And maybe he is on to something. I don’t know
because I’ve never experienced the freedom to which he refers. Is there freedom
when a man knows that he will never use his penis again sexually? Is there freedom when a man is permanently locked? Is
there freedom with men that have ED who cannot have an arousal and choose to remain impotent?
How do the rest of you feel about this? I had a comment from a woman who is somewhat
new to femdom that asked me about this so I know that My Heart's Desire's comment probably caused others to think about this as well.
Safiownz commented on a
previous post. She noted how individuals often stay in relationships even
though they can sometimes be unhealthy. Her comment interested me, not because
it is novel but because I have never thought of that from the perspective of it
taking place in a D/s relationship. Many couples live in unhealthy
relationships, whether they be abusive relationships or ones devoid of love.
Some stay because of the emotional or financial security it
provides or to maintain health insurance. I
find those reasons sad yet I do understand, in certain situations, while one
continues to remain in married rather than divorce. Katie and I have a friend
who has been separated for years. She has not seen her husband in many months
but remains ‘married’ because of the health insurance benefits his employment
What Safiownz' comment implicitly addresses is the long-term implications that
entering into a relationship entails. I had never considered what my life might be like five
or fifteen years after submitting Katie. All I wanted initially was to submit and support her as she directed the two of us.
When we met that
very first time I experienced something new. Katie, as mild-mannered and kind
as she was, took control of our relationship. Things were done her way. I
didn’t understand that she was exhibiting dominant traits but her
demeanor sure triggered a response deep within my soul. I didn’t
associate my response with that of a submissive but realized that my
attraction for her was partly due to the control that she exhibited. Everything was done on her terms. It was
something I had never experienced and yet something that, when it happened, I
found irresistible, so much so that I left that evening feeling I so loved because of that control.
Katie's attitude along with my subsequent self-exploration and a chance
encounter with a D/s website eventually brought me to the point
where I felt comfortable discussing a possible D/s relationship with her. I approached her with one thing in mind. I wanted to feel her dominance. I knew from
what others had written, that this meant I needed to serve and in doing so make her life easier and more rewarding. I was all into that at the time. I distinctly remember
sitting beside her. I had just given her a long list of things I wanted to do.
The list contained both chores as well as gifts of service. Katie circled those
offerings she wanted and crossed off those she didn't want. I
was excited and aroused and felt very loved. What I didn’t understand was just
how dramatically my life was about to change. I couldn’t have cared less
at the time. All I wanted was serve her in any and every way possible.
A week into becoming her full-time chef and kitchen cleaner I realized that I
had committed to more than a momentary titillating experience of watching her
circle item after item. The fact that I now had to spend a few hours each day
cooking meals and doing a myriad of chores was no longer arousing. I remember
feeling periodic regret for the next few months. I remember pouting at the inequity of what I had done even though another part of me loved serving. It took some time to fully accept that "this" would be my life forever.
Sexually I had fantasies too but no longer was sex about me. Sex happened on
her terms-meaning when she wanted, how she wanted and for as long as she
wanted. No longer was I in a position to say "I want you to do this for
me". As her submissive, stating my desires was no longer my prerogative. I
was told to to deny myself when making love even when I wanted release; to lock in chastity when I wanted freedom; to unlock when I wanted to remain
chaste and even to sit when urinating – even when I was free. I gave up the ability to spend the money I earned. All of it became Katies and although I wanted her to assume this responsibility, there are times when I'd like to spend 'my' money on things I'd like to do. I can't and I refuse to try to twist her arm. I need to let go. I do let go, but sometimes I wish I didn't always have to.
I say this, not because I regret my decision to be Katie's submissive but
because I made a commitment in which I didn’t fully understand its ramifications. Safiownz commented how hard it might be for a submissive to
leave a relationship even though it turned out to not be what they had hoped. Katie has stated on many occasions that she is never going back to living
in a "vanilla" relationship in which we relate as equals. I
know I can't even go there even if I wanted. I am her submissive and will be
forever. I promised in my marriage vow to live this way.
In hindsight, our
relationship didn't turn out the way I had envisioned. I thought it would be
different. I thought she would be more dominant. I thought she would push me
more. I thought there would be more sex. I thought there would be more
scene-play, I thought a lot of things would be different but, I really didn't
understand what Katie wanted and that is what I failed to consider. When I submitted
it was all about me and my desire to feel her control and have her take away my independence.
Early on Katie wrote and told telling me she would control every aspect of me.
She stated that she expected me to eventually learn what she desired and
that I would live my life knowing that it was her expectation that I would meet
those desires. When I first submitted, I didn't understand this. I never even thought
what her statements meant. It took many months before I came to fully
And so I wonder: how many submissives live in relationships that aren't what
they had expected? I wonder how many dominants live with men that don’t live up
to what they hoped? I wonder how many submissives want "out" but are
afraid to get out, or can't get out because they are obligated to live as their
wife's submissive due to a contract or marriage vow? Femdom isn't for everyone;
vanilla isn't for everyone.
Even though my relationship with Katie didn't end up being what I thought, I
can say that I am completely happy with her style of dominance and how she
rules me as the husband whom she owns. I am loved. I am cared for. I am cherished and I am Owned by a beautiful woman - both inside and out. In the end, things actually turned out to be better than expected - just different than anticipated. I’m one of the lucky ones.
I write this post I am writing Katie has chosen to deny me an orgasm for over 90 days. Of those 90 I have spent approximately 80 locked in chastity during
the day. However, I have not spent a single night locked as she has chosen to
permit me a few hours of freedom. Of course this is solely for her benefit
rather than mine. She prefers me spooning tight against her and the Jailbird
does nothing but get in the way and disturb her sleep. If that was not her
style, then I am sure she wouldn’t think twice about keeping me locked 24/7.
routine that she has established is setting out panties for me to wear.
Our routine each morning is for Katie to shower first. The day before I am to
drape a clean towel and washcloth over the shower rung and place a folded pair
of panties for her to slip into after she dries herself. When Katie is
dry she will choose to either set out panties for me or choose not to. A panty
on the counter is an indication for me to put them on and lock up before I
leave the bedroom when dressed.
mention this because so many men comment about having a wife or girlfriend that
feels awkward about addressing D/s issues overtly. Katie is cut out of that
same mold but she has slowly changed as the months and years living as the
dominant partner have lapsed. Yet she is silent in many respects and almost
never brings up in a discussion on a topic that has to do with her as my
dominant or me as her submissive. However, she is quite intentional in
reminding me daily that I am not her equal. The Daily routine of setting out
panties is but one way that I know that she is thinking about me as her
submissive husband and I love that.
overt indicator is her way of checking to make sure that I have obeyed and
locked. There is not a day that passes where she will not grab my crotch within
an hour of me leaving the bedroom. Typically she will hug and kiss me and
follow that with a grab, or reach out while we pass one another in the kitchen
or hall and feel my crotch. There is no exchange of words; rather she
simply grabs me hard enough to feel the cage when we are close. I know the grab
is coming and so I never try to sneak this by her. There have been a few times
when she has neglected to set out panties and found me unlocked. It is
during times like these when she will grab me, then says "hey, where's the
cage?" After explaining, I almost always have to go back to the bedroom
and put it on.
way that I know she has accepted her position as the dominant one has to do
with her use of D/s humor. The other day I about sliced the end of my thumb off
with a razor knife while trying to make a small repair at work. I ended up getting
the severed flap glued on at an Urgent Care facility. I made a comment that
night about my need to protect the thumb from bumping into things. She giggled
and when I asked what was so funny, she said that I could use the Jailbird cage
to keep my thumb safe. We both laughed, but the bigger implication has to do
with her comfort level in teasing me about my own predicament as her locked
submissive. She loves me locked and is no longer hesitant to make sure I stay
other night we went to an outdoor concert to listen to one of her favorite
local bands. They played 70s 80s and 90s beach music (e.g., Cool and the Gang,
KC and the Sunshine band, Marvin Gaye, Earth Wind and Fire, Michael Jackson,
etc) for three straight hours. They don’t waste time between songs talking but
rather immediately move from one tune to the next. They are great and Katie
loves dancing the entire time. She positioned me behind her during the concert
to make sure no one got into her purse. For a good portion of the evening she
ground her sweet butt into my caged crotch. I know she was enjoying the feel of
it against her. She also made sure that my hands remained on either hip –not
that I mind feeling her move to the beat of the music. For me it was fun
seeing her in her element and enjoying me all the same.
my day, Katie will leave reminders that it is me, who is the one who serves
her. For example, the other day she washed the dog while he had me run a few errands. By the time I returned she had finished and I didn’t even think to see
if I needed to clean up after her. The following morning I walked past the
bathroom I noticed a towel on the floor. When I walked into the room to fetch
it I saw another in the tub. She had left the mess for me to clean. She never intended
to clean up. Her intention was to clean the dog. She knows it’s my duty to
clean up after her. And I did. She does this so often I no longer even thank
her for leaving these kinds of reminders.
mention some of Katie’s ‘ways’ to bring to light the power that a small act can
have on a submissive man. The dominant need not invest lots of mental or
emotional energy to maintain the fact that she is the one who controls, decides
and leads. But when she does express her dominance, they go a long way in conveying
the message as to who serves and obeys who.
I read a comment on
another blog that really bothered me. It was written by a woman that
spoke of how she was 'training' her husband by having him spend time in a cage.
She equated her training to that of training a dog and mentioned that she
even had him caged while her friends (or maybe it was her sisters) came over to
visit. The comment, as I remember it, stated how they all enjoyed
laughing at him sitting in the cage naked.
I was keenly interested in
seeing how the host of the blog would respond as I value their opinion highly.
But in the end, no comment was made and in fact, the post itself was
deleted. Maybe leaving well-enough-alone was the best option and maybe that
was the best choice. For me, that comment struck some deep chord that
unnerved me and I'm not sure why. I read and reread it several times
trying to understand why a relationship like that existed and attempted to
understand why this Mistress 'trained' her sub as she did. For me, I
could never be that man. I could never be her sub. If push came to shove I
think I'd leave the relationship in a second but then again I am not
emotionally connected as he apparently is to her. In my mind this is not
training but humiliation. It isn't love but rather disrespect. It isn't the
fulfilling of one's vow to love and uphold another but rather the opposite.
But as much as I want to
pin the blame on her for doing what she does, I feel a need to question him equally
for agreeing to obey her knowing what she demands has no love as the basis for
her action. I mean, there is no love by being locked naked in a cage and then
having other women mock you while you sit helpless inside. Yet it takes
two to tango and this guy obviously finds some degree of satisfaction or
fulfillment in submitting in this way.
Regardless of where or
if blame should be given I just don't get it. I don't get this kind of
femdom relationship in which the woman doesn't appreciate the service of her
submissive husband. I don't get it when a woman doesn't appreciate and
encourage (rather than demean) the efforts of her husband. I don't get it
when a woman humiliates him, treating him, as she noted, like a dog by keeping
him caged and on display for other females to mock. I don't get it when a
man makes a choice to reduce his own self esteem by engaging in these kinds of activities.
Now maybe if it happened once without his knowing beforehand - shame on
her but if it happened more than once - shame on him. And it's not the acts that disturb me so much as the attitude. When I read how this man was laughed at by his dominant and her friends/sisters that is what bothered me. I get 'play'. I get being taught. I don't get being taught in this manner. There's just something wrong with the whole picture - IMHO. I reread what I wrote some weeks after I wrote an initial draft. I happened to read it immediately after reading two beautiful posts by Kathy (Femdom101) who described her husband John and then another by k, the lifelong submissive to Mistress Barbara who wrote beautifully about the core values to a successful long-term FLR/WLM relationship. What a different picture these two posts present than the comment about which I read presents. The latter ooze the real values of what makes a marriage or relationship last, the former lacks all that is important. I couldn't help but think about Kathy and k. They have been married for many years and have remained true. I wondered how the woman writer of the comment that spurred this discussion might react should she be in Mistress Barbara's position of fighting through a lengthy physical struggle with her health? Will she permit her sub to care for her? Will he even be able to care for her given the years of subjugating treatment she's dealt him? I don't know, but I wonder.
I know at some primal
level many men have a need to be truly dominated and maybe this is what is
going on here. Let's assume that this is the case. If it is, can this kind of
relationship be sustained? I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you happened to
have read the blog post maybe you felt differently. I'd like to hear your point
of view - whether you agree or disagree with my interpretation of it.
I've been thinking about this post for awhile since being
laid up. I remember reading something in Rika’s book (Uniquely Rika) where she
stated that in order for a WLM/FLR to work there needs to be an underlying
healthy relationship. I’m sure that
statement is true as one can only fake real feelings for so long before
conflicts, issues or other problems surface.
Likewise I've noticed how my submission and Katie’s
dominance were temporarily placed on a back burner when I ended up spending
life on the ground and unable to be my usual self. During those initial days I wanted to help
but as the reality of my limitations became better understood I mentally
shifted from wanting to be the best submissive/obedient I could to dealing with
my own issues.
Likewise Katie stopped
asking me to do this or that. She
understood that I couldn't be the usual me. Now, when I had periods where the
pain diminished (due to the narcotic) I used it to do a load of wash, make a
bed, cook a breakfast, etc. but it wasn't like I was feeling bad because I
wasn't able to keep up with things the way I normally would. Honestly, I couldn't
have cared less. I just wanted to get better and so my life as a submissive
became a mute point.
I was reading the posts of Mistress Marie today. She too had
a surgery and she made similar comments. For several days her relationship with
David changed. Being kinky wasn't so important. Being comfortable became more
of a need. And it only makes sense. Femdom is one of life’s luxuries. It isn’t
essential the way other needs like food, shelter, clothing and health are. I
would dare pose that living a life as a dominant woman or submissive man would
fall quite a way down the pecking order of life’s needs – even below feeling loved, communicating,
being honest and trusting your partner. All of these are far more important to
intimacy than making a bed, cooking a meal, saying ‘yes ma’am, or being the
letting her make the decisions or control the finances.
I will say however, that I have missed Katie’s dominance.
I've missed her locking me in chastity. I've missed her making me do things for
her just because she can. I've missed giving her massages, doting on her and
playing sexually. And speaking of sex….
we broke that hiatus 24 hours post-surgery on a Sunday morning. It was on Tuesday when I received my ‘does’
and ‘don’ts’ list from the doc. Point #5 stated: no sexual intercourse for six
weeks. Oops! I guess we know that I’m OK
moving ‘that’ way. I think my back feels better than ever, in fact!
Tonight is Wednesday when Katie goes out with friends,
enjoys a few glasses of wine and hopefully comes back with desire on her
mind. I’ll be ready! That is a yummy thought. Stay tuned!
I went into surgery around 9:30 this morning and by noon had regained consciousness. Prior to surgery I had a hard time staying comfortable in the bed while waiting my turn for the Op Room to open. When I woke I felt nothing! Only a full bladder. Katie was there shortly after I came too and although feeling a bit loopy and silly I was pretty coherent. Katie told me when we got home that I had pointed to one of the nurses in the recovery room and said "that nurse said I had a nice ass! LOL Katie said, "you told me that twice and said it pretty loud." Who knows where my comments come from when I'm in that anesthetic state. OK, so I'm back. The doc pulled out an inch of disc material that had lodged between the bone and nerve root (where the nerve exits the spine). I've got two weeks of recovery before I can begin work and so I'll be back to loving my sweetie ASAP. Thanks to all for sending me your love! I mean that. It means lots, and to so many of you that have had similar back issues, I know you could identify with my symptoms. Now, it's 2:30PM and I just can't pee yet..... my bladder still is asleep. I've even downed a coffee trying to see if the caffeine will heighten the urged. Katie's suggested to me, calling to me while I was in the bathroom with the water running trying to see if the plumbing was back in order yet, "Do you need an orgasm to get things going?" That's my Katie! I love her. I'm Hers